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If you frequent Jackass Critics, (and we know you do) you might have noticed the dusty corner known as columns. Your standard publication will feature a weekly, bi-weekly, or even daily column. Lately at Jackass Critics, it’s been timed to the solar eclipse calendar. My search for a new topic came the other day when a Jackass Critics reader posted a meme on sequels which triggered a reaction in my brain to conjured up on of bullet points for my next column.
So the topic of conversation today is worst movie mistakes made by me. I’m not producer, director, actor, key grip, or best boy. I’m not even a gaffer or a fluffer. I’m just a movie watching guy but there are plenty of movie related mistakes I have made in my lifetime. They don’t affect anyone else like say every time a Nancy Meyers movie the collective manhood of America loses the fight for movie equality. No, all of my decisions are self-effacing and in some cases horribly stupid.
Opening Night Decisions: Dinosaurs vs. Dead Guy. I was only 16 years old at the time. Ah sixteen, the age where my parents must have been saying “Ok, take the training wheels off and let him fall a few times.” And fall I did… It was my turn to pick a movie. Two movies opened in America on this fateful night. Steven Spielberg’s action adventure that brought dinosaurs to life. The movie everyone was talking about not just that weekend but that year was Jurassic Park. Any sixteen year old male should pick Jurassic Park despite the other options.
But indeed there was another option which at the time sounded perfectly comparable. I mean, the first Weekend at Bernie’s was hilarious, how could the second one miss? That’s right. I made the decision to see Weekend at Bernie’s II. The theatre was nearly empty. We were joined by maybe about 10 other people who had just movie hopped from a previous showing of Jurassic Park. The place was dead… you could hear a dead body drop. But when the film started rolling, all those 100+ empty seats were filled by my old man’s hysteric laughter. The formula for him is pretty easy: Dead body + two idiots + 30 foot drops = gut busting hilarity.
Now keep in mind, at the time this happened, I not only admitted that I saw Weekend at Bernie’s II but defended making the decision as well as the movie itself. Its only when we are older and wiser do we see the mistakes of our past.
Ebay Purchase: Laser Disc Player. Flashing forward to my college years (1997 to be exact), I found myself fancying a new way to watch film. Now in 1997 the DVD player was in stores but man was it expensive. Sure these days you can get a standard one for $40 or even cheaper but in those days it was a big deal to get a DVD player. I found myself in an “arms race” if you will with a Tulane roommate that we’ll call codename “Okie”. He already had a DVD player, 5.1 channels of sound, projection TV, … the works setup in his section of the dorm. I was intrigued with a piece of equipment he didn’t have: A laser disc player. Now buying one new is ludicrous, but that’s what we have E-bay for my friends! I bought the puppy for what I seem to remember being around $40.00 before shipping and maybe closer to $80.00 afterwards. The thing must have weighed about 30 lbs. It was old and solid; no remote.
First movie Purchase: Austim Powers. It cost me probably about $27.00, and was the new cornerstone of my new collection. About eight of us collect into one dorm room to witness this historic first Laser Disc played on my new piece of crap. We pressed play. We saw Austin Powers appear before us. We heard…static. WTF?! We messed around with it for a little while, jiggling cables, pulling cables, reseating cables, massaging it, speaking sweet nothings into the cooling vents, swearing at its mother and creator Sony, and then finally giving up and returning the LD. Okie bought it on DVD to spite me.
Years later I donated it to fellow Jackass Matt Fuerst who wrote up a stinkin column on how he got it to work years later. Damnit…
Opening Night Decision: Dress up to see Blues Brothers 2000. In college a lot of weird things you do seem just right at the time. You are surrounded by your peers who are at the time drunk or looking to get drunk, so there is a considerable amount of adjustment that has to be made when you decide to commit on an idea. Now mind you, I went to school at Tulane University in New Orleans where Halloween and dressing up is pretty big. My buddy Andrew and I got dressed as Jake and Elwood Blues the same fabled year I bought the albatross sized laser disc player. Costumes still intact, we decided not only to see Blues Brothers 2000 opening night, but to do so dressed as the Blues Brothers themselves. Sure everyone was behind us, but when we got to the fluorescent glow of the megaplex movie theatre, then waited in line for 30 minutes to see the first showing, we felt a little awkward. Lots of looks as we expected but would I do it again? You’d have to pay me.
But at least we didn’t dress up for the Star Wars retreads…
Ebay Purchases: Loading up on VHSs before DVD went big. Still in college. In between Ramen noodles and cases of Schlitz, I had time to study and look for movies on Ebay. At the time movies = VHS. At that time I had, one to two years before I would purchase my first DVD player. At the time I figured I had an awesome VHS collection that no one could top. At the time I must have been drunk and stupid from all that Schlitz because those movies are nearly worthless now. Don’t get me wrong, at the time it was an awesome collection but I was seriously buying VHS tapes (new and used) up to the cusp of the DVD breakout; when DVD players started becoming more and more affordable.
I just went through those VHS tapes the other day in my basement storage unit where they would be collecting dust if not stored in a dust proof bin. I made three trips to the local library to donate them like a good Samaritan. Each visit I calculated in my head when I purchased the movie and how much I probably spent on it. Why God why…why do you allow obsolete media? Like I mentioned above, when I did own them I enjoyed them. People would comment on my diverse collection of contemporary and old Hollywood classics. It made me feel good. Now my wife can comment on how I freed up more space in the storage unit for Christmas decorations. See the tradeoff?
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