Forgive
me father for I have sinned. Though whether the sin is that I walked out of a
movie or even paid to see suck dreck as this is up for debate.
Yes
friends, I walked out of the film. Now, I am a hearty soul, so before you start
throwing your fuzzy dice and bullet-times at me, let me tell you – I sat
through The Carrier and I bravely stared Dreamcatcher in its
devilish eyes and stood strong. With UV I had reached my limit. Even at
five bucks this was too much to pay. So, take this review with a pound of salt
as I saw officially thirty minutes of an 88-minute movie.
Taking the styles of both Blade and The
Matrix, mixing it with video-game sensibility, and throwing in a beautiful
young actress you will end up with…a damned mess. The story, as much as we
could gather, had something to do with a blood poison that transformed the
infected into ‘inhumans’ or some such thing. Basically, from what we could
tell, vampires. Which, if you are going to make a vampire movie, why act like
you’re above the genre? Why not say what it is and get that crowd? They managed
to take all the worse elements of a video game – style over substance,
illogical weapons and deus ex machinas, and porn moments where the film stops
to gaze at something ‘beautiful’ – and the most clichéd moments of Blade and
Matrix and they thought that was good enough. Using some manner of
blur-face technology to make the film look even more game-like (which shows you
where games are now, that movies WANT to look like them, something good AND bad
I suppose), the filmmakers fetishize Ms. Jovavich to the point of ridiculousness.
Hell, they didn’t even give her a good damned catch phrase – watch me –
is not a slam, it’s a Wha? The hell of this is that everyone was trying so hard
to make this look cool (and admittedly, it has great costumes and set designs)
that no one thought to pay attention to the story or dialogue.
No,
I didn’t see all of this. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. My friend and I agreed
to leave at a certain time and those minutes before we were to leave dragged on
and on and on. If someone saw this, and they loved this, then good for you. You
saw something I certainly couldn’t. God knows my taste is suspect but, truly,
this is a movie that you rent for a dollar and still feel you paid too much
for. If you like Milla, or movies that are all style, then please,
please, please rent this. Rent one get one free preferably.
I need
to wash my mouth out now. I can still taste this crap.
…c… |
The Grim Ringler Rating: 3 
Similar reviews:
Ultraviolet by Mike Long - 2 out of 10. (Same movie, different reviewer)
VISITOR REVIEWS
Average User Rating is a 2 |
| Matt Fuerst | 2 | March 8th, 2006 |
Ahhh Grim. I saw that you reviewed this and cringed inside, "What if Grim actually liked this piece of crap?". I winced knowing I would have to virtually don my armor and joust you in the arena of Bad Movies to keep my honor. I am so glad you saw this one for what it is.. just bad.
I don't know what the hell happened to Wimmer. He seriously plunges to Uwe Boll depths with the badness on display here. I don't bring out the Boll-meister lightly. Seriously. The amount of CG present here rivals that of the garbage that Lucas called Episodes I - III. Even more aggrevating than CG-laden scene after scene is the fact that Boll uses CG for everyday objects - human beings, cars, heliocopters. I find this intensely aggrevating, CG is bad enough for ugly purple worlds with funny Jamiacan aliens that don't exist, but when you start CG-ing a Honda I get hot under the collar.
It's not that a story doesn't exist, hell no there is enough story crammed in for 3 (bad) movies here. Boll, I mean, Wimmer pretty much admits it by having some crazy voiceover starting the movie that throws an entire movies worth of details at you in literally 90 seconds.
I could go on and on, but I will sum up with this: the child actor rears its ugly head. Nothing, nothing will take a movie off the rails more than having a child on screen for more than about 12 seconds. That's the acceptable length of time for a child to appear in a movie. Don't let children star in movies. Hell don't let children watch movies. Just keep them locked in cages or whatever parents do with the whiny objects.
I do have a bone to pick though.. Grim, what exactly does a movie have to do to you to get a 1? You WALK OUT of the movie and yet give it a 3? C'mon brother! Excercise your power to flush the turd floating in your toilet.
I go with a 2 since Milla does a lot of situps. But to the fan boys that will adore this movie, and have no doubt, they are out there.... I pity thee! |
| VISITOR COMMENTS |
| Grim | March 9th, 2006 | Reply |
Matt -
this deserves a '1' but being that i punked out and left before it was over, i didn't think it was fair to give it a one. i doubt it got better, but for all i knew it did. so i tried to aim very low, but to be fair.
c |
| Drunky | March 10th, 2006 | Reply |
I totally agree with Fuersty about children in movies, it's the worst. It's what makes a movie like The Mummy 2 go from pretty bad to unbearable.
The only movie I ever walked out on was Nightmare before Christmas, I still get upset thinking about that piece of crap. Keep that production contained to Broadway on Ice where it belongs. I'm not sure what the target audience is supposed to be for that film other than effeminate children. |
| In and Around | March 31st, 2006 | Reply |
| BUT the real question is . . . Did you sit through Battlefield Earth??!! |
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