The Bourne Ultimatum review by Drunky

Ahhh a relaxing evening awaits. Wrassle up a few snacks, grabs me a tasty beverage, mosey on down the stairs, kick up the dogs, dim the lights and watch me a nice movie.

Unfortunately for me the movie in my DVD player is The Bourne Ultimatum, which means in about fifteen minutes I’ll be writhing in my chair and fighting a two-hour struggle within myself….

One part of me will be begging: “Please can’t we just shut it off? Just walk away! It’s wasting our time! It’s wasting our whole precious evening!”

The other part of me insisting: “C’mon we can stick this out. There’s gotta be something worthwhile here and we haven’t seen that part yet. Anyway it feels like we’ve been watching this movie for four hours already. How much longer can it possibly go on?”

This inner dialogue repeats itself constantly, only progressing later to:

“Please! I mean I am really starting to suffer here man.”

“Relax buddy, listen I tell ya what, after we finish this pop we’ll switch to beer. Will that help?”

“…I dunno…I doubt it dude.”

Yeah, I’ve found myself in a bad spot. Let me think back about how it came to this…. The first Bourne movie, Bourne Identity, was a decent watch. I wanted to know more about this mysterious dude with all these crazy spy skills. Who was he? Who did he work for? How did he get those sweet skills? Did he have a life before his indoctrination into the spy guild?

Then came Bourne movie #2, the Bourne Supremacy, that movie sucked but it still had some of the momentum from the first installment.

That brings us to Bourne movie #3, the Bourne Ultimatum, a flick fortified with all of the vitamin sucky of the 2nd one, but without any of the residual momentum. After all this time and the mind-numbing pointlessness of installment #2 I don’t care if Jason Bourne is originally from Hoboken, New Jersey or whether it’s St. Paul, Minnesota. I don’t care how much goddamn sugar he puts on his Wheaties in the morning. As a result, I don’t really care who wins – the agency hunting Bourne or Jason Bourne. And that is a movie killer here. The entire movie hinges itself on that quiet vibe of suspense. “I gotta pay real close attention to the dry conversation that these poorly-casted CIA agents are having or Bourne could get hurt!” Those conversations, and the entire plotline dies a horrible boring death without any emotional investment in the lead character.

Two boring characters having a boring conversation.

But hey this is sort-of an action movie too right? Maybe you can at least see some decent action sequences and take some positives from this viewing. Nice try brother, but their brilliant production minds are a step ahead of you. They’ve used the bouncing, rattling, shaking camera technique for every action scene. You can’t see jackshit. The only way you are going to enjoy those action sequences is if you’re terrified that you can’t see jackshit because you’re really concerned for the welfare of Jason Bourne, and oh yeah, that’s not the case at all. Tou-che, brilliant production minds, tou-che.

Oh look! Without the shaking camera, I can see now that those are cars.

I don’t give out rock-bottom ratings of 1 very freely, the movie has to be totally void of any redeeming qualities, and that’s just what you’ll get here. Rather than suffer through hours of watching The Bourne Ultimatum again I think I would prefer to eat the DVD with mayonnaise instead. And I fucking hate mayonnaise.

1 out of 10 Jackasses
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